How to respond to tragedy
Two weeks ago today, there was a devastating school shooting a few towns over from where we live.
I have friends who are teachers in the building.
I have friends who have kids who were there and others in surrounding buildings in the district.
School districts all over the Metro-Detroit area closed school in the days following because of copy cat threats.
Those that were in session saw attendance drop significantly as families chose to keep their kids home from school.
In the moments following trauma, there are two words I want to share with you that have been helpful to me:
1. TRUST
Students, parents, co-workers, friends are all looking for those they can trust.
Naturally, our sense of trust can be uprooted when we experience something tragic.
At the end of the day, your job, tasks ahead of you, mean very little when a horrific event takes place.
Your relationships with those who are in your path matter much, much more.
There are two questions I am asking myself that I want to pass on to you: Am I trustworthy? Am I approachable?
We can break these down into subcategories of am I comforting, gentle, kind, and on and on.
What is your organic, original, on-the-spot reaction when those questions are asked?
If you want to do a deep dive on it and have a lesson in self-awareness… ask someone who knows you well these questions about yourself.
Regardless of where we land, we all could get better. We all can take a few steps towards a more approachable and trustworthy spirit.
Those who know me well, know me to score fairly high in these categories.
However, those who don’t know me well, may not get that impression.
I don’t seek the spotlight (but will gladly take it if needed). I’m outgoing but am usually caught up in own thinking and processing while I’m out of the house. I have to remember to smile more - not because I’m sad (I’m usually not) but because my resting face can look like I don’t want to be bothered. I prefer calling it resting thinking face as opposed to its alternative name.
I’ve got work to do and I’m very aware of it.
Just like anything else - we don’t become the embodiment of trust over night. Strength training isn’t about having one good day in the gym. It’s about developing a habit of building muscle, with consistency, over time.
You and I can look for little moments to strengthen your trust with others today. Then, we can look again tomorrow.
2.TRUTH
We have the unique opportunity, in moments of crisis, to speak truthful things to those who are around us. However, I need you to read this thoroughly or maybe a few times to understand what is being communicated.
Let me start with this:
For the love of all that is holy, please do not become a spin doctor.
Not everything needs to be spun.
There’s a tendency to want to say things that sound good or to repeat things we’ve seen on a bumper sticker.
The words, “well this is all part of plan” or “everything happens for a reason.”
Is it? Does it?
Can good come from bad? Absolutely!
But trying to make sense of the senseless doesn’t get us too far in these moments.
The truth we need to hear before we try to speak truth to someone else: You and I don’t have all the answers.
Trying to communicate a bubbly anecdote can come off as insincere and more than likely will be received negatively.
One of my favorite phrases to coach parents on when faced with difficult questions, which can translate to all levels of leadership, is this, “I don’t know but here is what I do know…”
Instead of trying to solve the puzzle or give an answer that we don’t even completely believe ourself - small, truthful statements can be incredibly encouraging.
The truth I am referring to here are reassuring and reaffirming soundtracks embedded within the current reality.
I don’t know why ____ happened, but here is what I do know…
You are not alone.
There are people who love you and can help you.
It’s healthy to talk about how you’re feeling.
This route, in lieu of spinning a tweet-able phrase, is helpful in two ways:
A) It protects your character.
You’re not making empty promises or lying about current circumstances.
B) It provides them comfort.
The age-old saying, “they may not remember what you said but they will remember how you made them feel.” -someone smart.
Through it all, the very best thing we can for someone dealing with tragedy is to give the gift of availability.
You won’t have all the answers. But I guarantee if you posture yourself in a loving, available way, you will strengthen your trust and encourage them with truth, little by little.